• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

Website of Steve Neff

  • BLOG
  • SHOP
  • MEMBER’S AREA
    • JOIN
    • FAQ
    • MEMBER LOGIN
    • Member Monthly Lessons
  • RAVES
  • CONTACT
You are here: Home / Funny as a Brain Tumor / As Funny as a Brain Tumor! Part 13

As Funny as a Brain Tumor! Part 13

October 3, 2009 by Steve 1 Comment

Hello again.  No I didn’t die.  I’m sorry for the delay with this chapter but every once in awhile I have a problem with tendonitis in my arms and have to take a break from typing for them to get better.  I am feeling  better now and can continue the story.  OK,  where was I…………..

I woke up the next morning and was surprised to find that I was still alive.  Not only was I still alive, but I actually felt better!  I think it was because I had finally slept that night.  For the next couple of days the doctors kept and eye on me to see how far the allergic reaction would progress but it looked like it had stopped and that I might be OK.

They released me a few days later and I went home.  I still had this feeling like something was around the corner and I wasn’t out of the woods yet.   When you have been through so many health issues, you start to get a bit paranoid that every little bump, pain or weird thing is another deadly illness.  I drove my wife crazy with all of my concerns and questions for the next year or two.

A couple of weeks later, I noticed that there were what seemed like large bumps in my neck that I had never noticed before. Another question to bother my wife with……. My wife took a look and she said that my lymph nodes were really swollen and enlarged.  We called my doctor and of course she gave me the advice she always did back then………”Go to the Mass General Emergency room!”.  My doctors would always give me the line “Considering your medical history you should go to the emergency room………better to be safe than sorry.”

I went to the ER and to make a long story short, they admitted me into the hospital.  My old Oncologist who was my doctor when I had testicular cancer popped his head in the door.  He said that he was concerned that this might be a return of my cancer that had now spread to my lymph nodes.  If you remember back to that part of my story, they were concerned that the cancer might spread to my lymph nodes about four years earlier.  I of course assumed the worse, and thought for sure that now I had cancer coursing through my entire body and would surely die!

They did a number of tests and decided that this lymph node swelling was just another symptom that was lingering after my TENs (Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis).  They let me go home and life continued for me.  My skin was a complete mess and I had to use a special cream on it everyday. It was always itching which drove me crazy.  Also, my wife said I was always complaining about the way my mouth tasted. She said I was obsessed with toothbrushes during this time and I would go out and buy a new toothbrush every couple of days.  I was convinced that if I found the right toothbrush and brushed enough the weird taste in my mouth would go away.

Also, I have to tell you that something felt very wrong with me emotionally.  By this point, it was late December, early January of 2001.  What I’m going to share here isn’t easy for me to share but it’s part of the story so it should be included.

After I got home from the hospital, I found I had very little energy.   I would have more trouble than usual waking up in the morning and felt exhausted all day long.  Simple tasks like doing laundry or vacuuming felt exhausting.  I found myself spontaneously crying for no reason whatsoever that I could discern.  I just felt this overwhelming sadness that seemed to be like a dark cloud over my thoughts and I had no idea what to do about it.

Soon after the dark feeling started,  I started having odd thoughts. I would just be driving down the road and suddenly think about just yanking the steering wheel and running into another car coming my way.  If I was on a bridge I would think about just driving my car right off.  At first, these thoughts would just pop up out of nowhere but then they started coming more and more into my head.  When I took medication I would think about taking too much and going to sleep forever.  If I saw a movie with a gun I would imagine having a gun myself and imagine killing myself with the gun.  Now I know these are some alarming thoughts and some of you might feel uncomfortable reading about these things but those were the kinds of thoughts that were running through my mind.

I had always thought of depression as something that happened to people who were unstable and just couldn’t handle life.  It was never something I would have a problem with.  My wife helped me come to grips with the fact that no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I was in fact very depressed and that I should get help.  I can be quite prideful at times so for awhile I tried to fight that decision and work my way out of this state of mind by pure determination.  It didn’t work.  It just seemed like I was continuing to spiral down and down.

I wouldn’t call any of my friends, I hardly ever smiled, I wasn’t doing any housework, I wasn’t playing my sax, I wasn’t getting out of the house and trying to find more work as a musician.  All those things seemed too hard to do and part of me just didn’t care.  I knew that I should care and I knew I should be feeling and thinking positive thoughts but I just didn’t.  During the day, I was tired and useless but at night I was a huge ball of anxiety.  I couldn’t sleep.  I remember going out for drives at midnight and feeling like I was having panic attacks.  I’d be up most of the night and then be even more tired the next day. My wife was 8-9 months pregnant and was about to give birth to our second child while working 40 hours a week as a nurse.  I was home trying to take care of my 1 1/2 year old daughter and going out on gigs on the weekends.  This was a very stressful time for us.  I feel bad that I put my wife through that. Her strength and love during that time were amazing!

Finally, I decided to get help after Sarah was born.  I couldn’t keep putting it off. I went to see my doctor and we tried a few different medications.  I can’t remember the details but I seem to remember having a few adverse reactions to some of them.  Finally, I settled on one and took that for about six months.  During this time, I saw a psychologist who helped me out immensely.  We talked about all the things I had been through and all the feelings that I didn’t even know I was feeling.  I don’t know the bottom line to why I was feeling so depressed but as I went to those sessions and talked about things it was clear to me that I had some emotional issues.

I think I had always tried to do and feel what I thought was right.  If I felt mad or angry I would immediately squash those feelings down because they were bad feelings.  As I met with the doctor every week he would ask me questions about how things made me feel.  I shared about my whole medical history and after each part of the story he would ask me how that made me feel or how I felt towards others, myself and even God.  I would always answer with these nice answers that the doctor would always question. Finally,  when we got to the last episode of being in the hospital and breaking down he broke through my nice answers and I remember just sitting there crying and  feeling so mad and angry at God.  I knew that I had been angry in the hospital but this moment revealed to me that I was still very angry. It also revealed  that I still thought God was out to get me and that I believed more bad things were coming.  No matter what I did, I could not stop it or change that fact.  I still thought very strongly that I was cursed.  Obviously,  you can see how these kind of thoughts could make someone quite depressed.

The other major breakthrough at this time is that the doctor had me read a book called “Feeling Good” by David D. Burns.  This book was amazing for me.  You can not even imagine how reading this book and talking to the doctor helped me change my life.  It was huge.  The book helped me see that up until this point in my life,  I had an “All or Nothing” mentality. I would always go to extremes with things.  If I was going to be a musician, then I had to practice no less than eight hours a day.  If I only practiced two hours then I had failed and would get depressed about it.  I would then use these depressed thought and sad feeling to motivate me to set more unobtainable and unrealistic goals that for awhile I would reach and then fail again.  My life was a cycle of this type of thinking. I was all about motivating myself with negative thinking.

I was also a perfectionist.  Every single recording I made, I hated.  In 1993, I made a recording and as soon as it was done, I hated it and thought it wasn’t good enough.  I never did anything with it.  I’d practice and practice  and people would tell me I should make a recording and I would always think that I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t good enough.  I had this fear that if I thought I was ready or good enough then what would motivate me to practice?   Those were the negative thoughts that kept me working tirelessly all through high school, college, and adult life. I couldn’t let go of those thoughts.  That was my motivation. I also had the fear that if I tried and put my whole heart into something and failed, that would mean I’m a failure.  Better not to try at all…….

Obviously, this book helped me to see theses destructive thought processes going on inside me.  I still have these thoughts but now I recognize them and can work around them. For example, now on my website I have hundreds of sound clips of me playing the saxophone.  The old Steve would never have done that.  I would have listened to each one, thought it wasn’t good enough and discarded it.  Now I recognize those thoughts and I post the clips anyways deciding to overcome those thoughts and fears.  

Another example is my practice habits.  I’m still tempted to get down on myself if I don’t practice for at least four hours a day but if I only practice for one hour,  that’s OK!  I can be happy with that.   It’s a matter of recognizing the thoughts and being able to get around them.   There’s more that improved but I can go more into that in another blog post.

Needless to say, a lot was revealed to me in these session and while reading this book.  After about 6-8 months I slowly came out of this fog of depression.  The suicidal thoughts became less and less,  the overwhelming sadness lifted and I finally started smiling a bit more.  I actually had moments where I didn’t think God was out to get me and that some new disease or tumor was around the corner.  If only I could be so lucky………. Part 14…….

Filed Under: Funny as a Brain Tumor Tagged With: brain tumor, cancer, depression

Steve

About Steve

Steve Neff has been playing and teaching saxophone and jazz improvisation around the New England area for over 30 years. He is the author of many best selling jazz improvisation methods as well as founding the popular jazz video lesson site Neffmusic.com.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Avataraaron1011 says

    May 17, 2019 at 10:14 am

    Steve,
    Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life! I have no doubt that everyone that reads it will be encouraged as much as I have been by what you have written here. Praise God, I have never had to deal with any major medical issues, although I do deal with depression. I very much appreciate your insight into this issue. Playing my sax has been a means of therapy for me, so to speak. It is what has led me to your site.
    BTW…I am an MRI Technologist by trade (a.k.a Barry White) and I just wanted to tell you that I “force” all my patients to listen to jazz. I mean real jazz, not the Kenny G stuff, like you got for your scan. Very few people appreciate it but, to be frank, I don’t care. I’ve got them in my scanner for at least a half hour and I feel, as a medical professional a little Stan Getz and Paul Desmond is healing in its own rite, so its for their own good. Haha

    God Bless you brother and just know that I greatly appreciate your heart, not to mention your vast knowledge for all things Saxophone.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Cart

Subscribe to the Neffmusic Newsletter for the latest reviews and best deals delivered straight to your inbox every month. Join now and you will also receive my 40 Ultimate Michael Brecker Licks free!

Select list(s) to subscribe to


Thanks for joining!


NEFFMUSIC PRINTED BOOKS

Testimonials

Hi Steve,

First, I want to thank you for all of your great lessons. They are like a “For Dummies” version of all the books on my shelf. The lessons break things down into manageable pieces, and give me the confidence that I’m practicing the right pieces. I’m starting to make progress.   Thank You,   Kim

Kim
Thank you so much for the great job you are doing to help further our jazz studies. Though I make my living as a repairer of musical instruments I am a student of jazz and have been fortunate enough to be involved with a big band and a combo for the last several years. As my children began to leave “the nest” I had decided to dedicate the next half of my life to a more serious study of the sax but I didn’t know exactly how I would go about doing this until a friend of mine turned me onto your si… Read more
Jon
Hey Steve! I hope you and your family are well.  I’m just writing to say thank you so much for all the resources you have made available to the saxophone community. I have been using your material for many years and I always come back to it… in fact I just took a break from practicing to write this…( reviewing “CreatingModern II-V-I Lines with simple pentatonics”.) I am, and continue to be, one of your raving fans! Blessings to you and your family this holiday season! Wishing… Read more
Gerry Aylward
By the way, BIG COMPLIMENTS to you, Steve! Not only are you a great player, you are also a great teacher! I, too, am a woodwinds player/teacher. I have new inspiration to play and teach because of you. The concepts and “thinking” is similar to what I already learned in College, but hearing you explain and PLAY the concepts REALLY MAKES THE DIFFERENCE! Also, your written patterns are more interesting than other books I have seen! Keep up the good work. I will be recommending your sit… Read more
I will be recommending your site to others!
I just started looking at my lessons and I have to say, dude you are awesome.  I ABSOLUTELY will learn from you!  I started the tenor about 1 ½ yrs ago and have since picked up an alto, and more recently a soprano.  I spend most of the time on the tenor, followed by soprano, and have only gotten to the alto a few times.  I think I’ll be sticking with tenor.  I’m having a great time and hope one day to play well enough to get regular gigs.  I’ve been playing keys for about 35 years (… Read more
Wil
Hi Steve, I live in a gorgeous but rural area of Oregon-no music store within 80 miles. Your lessons are my lifeline!  Truly the best there are anywhere online. Love your playing. Love your teaching.  Thanks again. Ed
Ed Woodmansee
Just to say thanks for your advice and lessons.  I’ve just read your amazing story.  I really appreciate what you do in regards to teaching.  I have bought a couple of your lessons and frankly they’re undersold.   I’ve learned much more with these two lessons than with 2 years of sax teachers.   Thanks so much………..
Mike
I have found your videos and publications inspiring and your contribution to the world of saxophone playing is immense. Paul
Paul
I’ve been a member of Steve’s site for about six months now and the difference it has made to my playing is immeasurable. The (many) benefits of this membership are that you can have lessons at time convenient to you, they work out A LOT cheaper than face-to-face lessons with a teacher of the same calibre and you can replay them ad infinitum. I don’t know how many times have I had lessons in the past where I’ve ended up covering the same concepts when really a ‘replay’ of the last lesson would h… Read more
Nick

Hello Steve,

I have not received my alto yet but have already gone through 14 lessons. I love your approach, style, knowledge and competence. I now regret so much to have stayed away from playing the sax for the past 45-50 years…(I am 65).  But It is never too late to get back to your first love. After 23 years in compuer sciences and 22 years in finances…I am now back to music for the rest of my life.

Doing some research on the net, I found this:

http://forum.saxontheweb.net/showthread.php?1… Read more

Claude
Hey Steve, I’m a 22-year-old from Australia. I thought it would be worth saying. You’re an absolute legend. I can’t thank you enough. You have helped me rekindle my love for the saxophone and music as a whole. All the best for the future, your work doesn’t go unnoticed. PS. I am loving your devastating minor lines pdf.
Sapph
Hi Steve, I have been shedding your materials for quite a while now and I love them! They are extremely well organized and presented and there are tons of ’em! I really appreciate your methodical approach and find myself referring students to your resources often.  Thanks so much!  
Kenyon Carter
I’ve been downloading your lessons for 4 months now (20 lesson) and I have noticed tremendous growth in my playing thus far! I’m so happy that I stumbled upon your site!
Bob

Thank You Steve. I think that I will be busy for years. Thank You for your great contribution to jazz music. Your books, more than teaching “how to play jazz”, actually teach “how to speak jazz”. I wish I found your methods years ago.  

Jean-Eric
I have been a member of Neffmusic for more than a year now and have enjoyed every minute of it! I have not only been going thru the Dominant Bebop Scale lessons and book (OUTSTANDING!) but the mouthpiece reviews, solo clips and transcriptions are very interesting. Steve approach to beginning and intermediate improv have given me many new pathways to teach my high school jazz ensemble students. Congratulations Steve, great product!
Craig
I have NEVER seen material like yours.  Amazing!!
Jerry
Just wanted to send you a quick note to say thank you for being you, your playing, your website and your desire to help others. I’m a professional musician in the US Army and I’ve visited your website almost every day since discovering it a couple of months ago. Your lessons are profound and easy to use. I’ve purchased most of your PDF books and now am starting to delve more into the video and audio lessons.  Thank you for being a great resource!
James
First, I’m really excited about your materials! This site is a vast resource for any aspiring (and maybe already inspired) jazz musicians. I’m not a sax player, I play mandolin and fiddle, but have been learning jazz and playing weekly with a quintet for the past 6 months and have been struggling with all of the issues you get into in your lessons. I bought several books and lessons and plan to continue with some others as soon as I organize my practice routine. Thanks again for a great site … Read more
Tony Galfano
I’m an experienced player in the pop/soul/funk areas of music and, previously, classical.  Over the decades I’ve been playing, I’ve always felt that I could do what I needed in those styles of music.  However, recently I began to feel limited by my use of the same old licks. When I discovered Steve Neff’s website, and heard the audio examples based on the exercises in his books, I realized they were what I needed.  I purchased all of them and have been working on them since.  It’s very hard work… Read more
Paul
I would like to say that in the last year my sax playing has progressed loads from your lessons. I have had a sax for about 20 years and dabbled with lessons from a few teachers and have learnt very little from them. As you have said in your lessons many teachers tell you to use the blues scale and leave it there, not even showing you the resolution points!!. I am now believing I can in time become a good improviser.
Thanks again,
Shane
Shane
Thank you for all the educational information you provide.  I am a classically trained musician.  Professionally, I am a 4th and 5th grade band teacher.  I have played piano and sax for many years, but now I am starting to gig out more. I have always improvised by ear in the past. I have gotten by with my strong sense of pitch, rhythm and melodic contour. However, I want to go deeper. I want to play with a greater variety of melodic and rhythmic ideas to pull from.  I have studied to gain a … Read more
Ray
Steve’s monthly lessons are entirely valuable. Without brow beating, he tells you all the stuff you deep down know you really should be working on, instead of just relying on the same old patterns. In spite of the fact that you’re taking a video lesson, Steve’s presentation is comfortable and “real”. In a little more than a year, he’s developed a library of lessons that seem to offer any player a lifetime’s worth of practice material. I’m just glad I stumbled upon it.… Read more
Grant
Steve- I joined your site this month and have downloaded 4 lessons and also purchased your new book and video on diatonic patterns. I just want to say I am very pleased with your approach and teaching techniques. I am getting back into playing after laying off for some time. The information you offer on your site is of great value and I am enjoying being a member. Thank you for what you are doing for the saxophone community.
Tony
Hi Steve, I can’t express just how much I appreciate your teaching. My playing has improved so much over the past year since I have been studying and practicing with your lessons. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks, these lessons are proof! Thanks, Michael Byington
Michael Byington

Featured Video Lessons

  • Mastering the Dominant Pentatonic Sound over a Blues (Digital PDF Book)
    Rated 5.00 out of 5
    $19.99 $14.99
  • The Secret to Modern Outside Jazz Lines Lesson-Minor $9.99
  • Creating Modern II-V-I Lines with Simple Pentatonics Lesson
    Rated 5.00 out of 5
    $9.99
  • The Best Embouchure for Tone, Intonation and Endurance Lesson
    Rated 4.91 out of 5
    $9.99
  • The Secret to Altissimo (no one has ever told you about before) Lesson
    Rated 4.75 out of 5
    $9.99

Now over 600 video and audio lessons to choose from!
BECOME A MEMBER TODAY AND SAVE BIG ON EACH LESSON!

Free Lessons

  • Free Lesson on The New Ultimate II-V-I Primer-Major Keys
  • Free Video Lesson on Mastering Altered Pentatonics
  • Free Video Lesson on Mastering the Blues Scale Volume 1 & 2
  • Free Video Lesson on Mastering the Dominant Bebop Scale and Language Book 1 & 2
  • Free Video Lesson on Approach Note Velocity Book

Recent reviews

  • Creating Modern II-V-I Lines with Simple Pentatonics Lesson
    Rated 5 out of 5
    by Timothy
  • The Best Embouchure for Tone, Intonation and Endurance Lesson
    Rated 5 out of 5
    by Ray Holland
  • Mastering the Dominant Pentatonic Sound over a Blues (Digital PDF Book)
    Rated 5 out of 5
    by Lloyd Whitty
  • Mastering the Dominant Pentatonic Sound over a Blues (Digital PDF Book)
    Rated 5 out of 5
    by Murray Middleman
  • Mastering the Dominant Pentatonic Sound over a Blues (Digital PDF Book)
    Rated 5 out of 5
    by Paul

Footer

Recent Comments

  • David on Ponzol M2 Gold Tenor Mouthpiece
  • Giuseppe C. on 10mFan Celebration Tenor Saxophone Mouthpiece Review
  • Bryan Chatham on Avel Sound Concept (ASC)-Mistral Alto Saxophone Mouthpiece Review
  • Steve on Geller Blackbird Ebonite Tenor Saxophone Mouthpiece Review
  • Can Turkmenoglu on Geller Blackbird Ebonite Tenor Saxophone Mouthpiece Review

Top rated products

  • The Dorian Mode Lesson
    Rated 5.00 out of 5
    $9.99
  • Cool Piano Voicings Lesson 1
    Rated 5.00 out of 5
    $9.99
  • The Best II-V-I's Overview Lesson
    Rated 5.00 out of 5
    $9.99
  • Straight No Chaser-Jazz Articulation Lesson
    Rated 5.00 out of 5
    $9.99
  • Overtones-The Path to Altissimo Lesson
    Rated 5.00 out of 5
    $9.99

Product tags

alto sax alto saxophone approach notes audio lesson bebop scale beginner beginner saxophone blues blues licks blues patterns blues scale blues scales diminished scale dominant chords ear training fundamentals II-V-I improvisation jazz improvisation jazz lines jazz patterns jazz sax jazz saxophone jazz standard jazz standards licks Mastering the Blues Scale Michael Brecker modern improv modern improvisation online lesson patterns playing outside practice habits reading music sax basics sax lessons saxophone scales smooth jazz steve neff tenor sax tenor saxophone video lesson video lessons
  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • SUPPORT

Neffmusic © 2005–2023